2025-07-17 - SiM AAD

hard to wake up this morning.  and a general malaise.  the discussion with my therapist re: performance anxiety continues to roll around in my head, with all its implications (i guess).

up early, like always, but not out of bed immediately.  clocking in, addressing immediate needs for work.  feeling the sting of a self-imposed aim of necessary talking, and what it feels like to just... not do it.

quick recap from last night:  hot as shit in the apartment, and then heading over to wednesday night rehearsal.  i don't have time to get food, and thus get dinner, but i've already made the choice that i'm going to attempt to stick with necessary talking during rehearsal.  arriving at rehearsal, and just making clear that i'm engaging with it... and within 15 minutes it becomes clear that i just need to let it go.  between this and fighting a guitar that gets progressively more difficult to play, i spend most of the rehearsal feeling like a failure.  the power cuts out midway through, in a very large portion of Seattle, so we switch to candlelight, which is a nice ambience.  after rehearsal's done, back down to the car, and instead of taking the faster way home, i am hungry and also don't want to deal with traffic lights being out, so i head up and over to take a less direct way, which means driving down aurora.  sex workers are out, and i am kind of amazed at how many appear to be wearing nothing more than string.

finally back in my neighborhood.  i get a call back from my girlfriend; two things about the conversation end up making me even more glum than i was before, and then it is on pause.  i try and find a place to get a bite, but most of the area is closed and so i just go home.  in my head, some comedy bit about being so hungry you sleep for dinner plays.  this is a different situation, but not unrelated.  my phone rings again, and i am on the phone for a little over an hour, long enough to mean that any more guitar activity isn't going to happen.  futzing around until 1:30 am, and then to bed.

sitting at 8:40.  my eyes are a little irritated, i need to wash my face.  CaaD exercise feels a little more real than yesterday, and i notice an attachment making itself known.  very much wishing i was on site.  work meeting at 9:15, i still have not had breakfast.  afterward, i get a text message from a circle member asking if i have a moment; he knows about the necessary talking commitment and so i say "yes, i haven't eaten breakfast yet".  we talk for about 5 minutes, and i wonder why i continue to talk so much.

breakfast of coffee and a banana, while I wait for some muesli to absorb milk.  catching up on diarizing and avoiding work.  of course.

work ends up being a lot of busy work.  a couple more meetings, but mostly pretty quiet, quite literally.  some distracting myself at moments to let my brain decompress, and generally being able to not talk.  there is still chatter, and i can do nothing about that.

some reflecting throughout the day on a meeting from yesterday that was frankly depressing, and indicative of just how much of a dead end i've hit.  i need to get out of this, somehow.

a late-afternoon shower, and a brief trip to the grocery store.  it's not quite so hot but it's still very warm.  back at home, some dishwashing, and a quick dinner.  i feel a little pleased with myself about the idea from a few weeks ago to make kimchi using standard giardiniera vegetables.  more distracting myself because i don't want to practice on an ovation, and the phone rings; it's annie, briefly.  i make a note to make sure i have enough time this weekend to see her at cap hill.

finally in the practicing chair late.  ditching the ovation for the SG; it just doesn't feel right to suffer needlessly.  warming up, and then working with a couple of andres' exercises, noting that these are the kinds of things i would have gone nuts over ten years ago.  now i am working with them, mostly because they're course material, but also because i admit that a couple concepts would be interesting and useful to work with in a tonal context.  anchor work is always a challenge.

switching gears to tonal work.  the 3rd primary variations eventually come out, and i begin to work these while singing the pitches.  my voice is scratchy but that's fine, i'm in tune as long as i'm not breaking between head voice and chest voice.  on a whim, i begin including solfege symbols, and *this* is clearly what i can work with the next few days.  this is hard work because of all the vocal jumps, and being so out of practice means that i spend a lot of time yawning.

a brief excursion into chromatic solfege, and shifting accidentals/syllables while slurring (i.e., "mi" becomes "me" when minor, and sustaining a note while slipping from major to minor while also changing the vowel sound, like miiiiiiii-eeeeeeeeh).  i can do more of that while i'm house-sitting this weekend.

catching up on diary work until 12:45.  always strange to hear your ears shutting off because your body keeps microsleeping.