Last night: On the bus, having felt miserable all day, I realize I am going to go running when I get home. I haven't run in months, and I haven't run regularly in years. There is a part of me that is really strongly resistant to it, like there is with everybody, but my ego is weirdly tied up with this. Having a treadmill would be so much easier.
There is a certain velocity to my thoughts when I've decided to do something. This is a recognizable, reliable, and repeated observation for me.
Onto the street. This area is not conducive to running, especially with toe-shoes. But there is enough grass to cheat on that it's not complete murder on my feet.
About fifteen or twenty minutes in, I'm timing my breathing to be in for four steps, out for four steps. The thought goes by to switch this up to five steps each, but I wave that away; this is already enough of a challenge for me without making it absurd for myself. I realize that I can be okay with baby steps, and SBC's voice in my head says exactly that: "Baby steps."
At about this point, I also realize that my breathing is highly syncopated, because I'm hearing it. The impact of my feet on the ground is jolting me enough that it's effecting the in-breath, so it's a very jagged intake. "Fixing it" isn't an option. All I can really do is watch it. And it cleans up eventually, but it doesn't seem surprising or amazing. Just that it became more relaxed, less jagged, less labored.
Eventually I arrive home. Some cool-down stretching, along with some internal self-judging.
Perhaps more surprising is that I will go for a run, the next night. But at this moment, I don't know that.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Monday, May 8, 2017
A week's recounting - Day "I skipped a few"
As is usually the case, I skipped a few. It's been a heavy week, though.
Was asked by my new roommates if I would be able to front an extra half-month of rent, since apparently my sublease date range is offset from the actual apartment's lease rate. This is awkward.
An eruption in the family is threatening to really pull the unit apart, and I am caught in the middle, feeling not unlike what I imagine it must be for a diplomat for the US to feel in peace talks between Israel and Palestine, with both sides wrong in their ways, and both sides utterly convinced of their own purity of cause.
A moment from the other night: I am listening to a family member tell me what she thinks of another member of the family, and how he has caused her a deeply felt offense that she does not feel she can forgive him for. I point out that forgiving him is utterly necessary, and that as offensive as he may be, it will still be best to forgive him, and to tell him about his offenses without judgment--a tall order, I acknowledge. The answer to this is that yes, she can forgive him on a personal level, but that for the sake of everyone else that his words offend, she can't forgive him on a grander scale. It is about here that her arguments begin to be supplanted by slogans, and that I feel I am doing nothing except wasting energy.
The weekend was generally fine. I half-summoned the courage to ask someone out on a sort-of-date, but this did not quite happen, which ultimately was probably for the better. It does not change the fact that I continue to have a really serious problem about this.
Nellie McKay on Saturday evening: delightful. Absolutely wonderful.
Sunday night: possibly the most unexpected and flagrant display of misogyny I've been party to in a very long time. So bad that I thought it was a joke, but the weirdly aggressive driving (this was an Uber ride) really demonstrated that it was not a joke. I may have cost someone a job by complaining about it, and I actually feel a little bit not-great about that, but I think it was the right thing to do.
Back at work today: the continued feeling of fraudulence continues to continue, even though I know I am doing a good job. In any case: our warehouse manager has put in his two weeks, which means that work will become more difficult again for my boss and myself, as we'll probably begin to trade off on days in Oxnard. This makes needing a car even more imperative than before.
Was asked by my new roommates if I would be able to front an extra half-month of rent, since apparently my sublease date range is offset from the actual apartment's lease rate. This is awkward.
An eruption in the family is threatening to really pull the unit apart, and I am caught in the middle, feeling not unlike what I imagine it must be for a diplomat for the US to feel in peace talks between Israel and Palestine, with both sides wrong in their ways, and both sides utterly convinced of their own purity of cause.
A moment from the other night: I am listening to a family member tell me what she thinks of another member of the family, and how he has caused her a deeply felt offense that she does not feel she can forgive him for. I point out that forgiving him is utterly necessary, and that as offensive as he may be, it will still be best to forgive him, and to tell him about his offenses without judgment--a tall order, I acknowledge. The answer to this is that yes, she can forgive him on a personal level, but that for the sake of everyone else that his words offend, she can't forgive him on a grander scale. It is about here that her arguments begin to be supplanted by slogans, and that I feel I am doing nothing except wasting energy.
The weekend was generally fine. I half-summoned the courage to ask someone out on a sort-of-date, but this did not quite happen, which ultimately was probably for the better. It does not change the fact that I continue to have a really serious problem about this.
Nellie McKay on Saturday evening: delightful. Absolutely wonderful.
Sunday night: possibly the most unexpected and flagrant display of misogyny I've been party to in a very long time. So bad that I thought it was a joke, but the weirdly aggressive driving (this was an Uber ride) really demonstrated that it was not a joke. I may have cost someone a job by complaining about it, and I actually feel a little bit not-great about that, but I think it was the right thing to do.
Back at work today: the continued feeling of fraudulence continues to continue, even though I know I am doing a good job. In any case: our warehouse manager has put in his two weeks, which means that work will become more difficult again for my boss and myself, as we'll probably begin to trade off on days in Oxnard. This makes needing a car even more imperative than before.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
A week's recounting: Day 3
Up early again this morning. Hard. And tomorrow morning will be the same.
Arrival at work was more straightforward. Still sat on the bus. My foot's bothering me as well.
Work is still fairly busy, in small ways. The end-of-month crush is gone, so the pressure is mostly gone, but there are still a fair number of things to keep up with.
More internal nerves.
Home again, home again. A fair amount of nothing, some practicing, and then a conversation that completely soured me on this apartment. If I hadn't already been planning to leave, that would have completely flipped my decision.
A bit of car-shopping afterward, fairly ruined by that conversation. And re-discovery of a very old recording of me, when looping was a thing I did a lot.
Arrival at work was more straightforward. Still sat on the bus. My foot's bothering me as well.
Work is still fairly busy, in small ways. The end-of-month crush is gone, so the pressure is mostly gone, but there are still a fair number of things to keep up with.
More internal nerves.
Home again, home again. A fair amount of nothing, some practicing, and then a conversation that completely soured me on this apartment. If I hadn't already been planning to leave, that would have completely flipped my decision.
A bit of car-shopping afterward, fairly ruined by that conversation. And re-discovery of a very old recording of me, when looping was a thing I did a lot.
Monday, May 1, 2017
A week's recounting - Day 2
Ended up watching Christopher Nolan's "The Prestige" last night, and was awake far too late. But this was another fun movie to watch, and gave me a genuine surprise. Very well shot, very well told. It makes me wonder if it's possible to see a bad Nolan movie.
Up quite early this morning, and out the door before 7:30. Planned to sit on the bus, which I did, but just barely--the bus was very late. Still arrived at work around 8:30, even allowing for a stop by the coffee shop across the street, which yielded one of the worst espressos I've ever had. Just yesterday I was thinking about how I can almost always drink coffee, no matter how bad it is. This was beyond the limit. The taste was at least as bad as the smell, and the smell was inexcusable. But the woman that is usually working the counter is always very nice, so it gets a pass.
Into work, with a few small tasks to address. It's the first day of the month, which usually means there's a lot to follow up on, but it's very quiet this morning--perhaps this is in preparation for the meeting at 11:30am. Still, I'd prefer to see a bit more action, as there are some large tasks that are looming, but can't be moved forward until I have more info from some customers. So I have to make up busywork to distract myself, which makes me jittery.
Something else that makes me jittery: receiving e-mails from a specific party that I like receiving e-mails from. It never fails. And it always spurs a bit of self-loathing.
Meeting for everyone at headquarters to go over the 1st quarter. Just a little on the long side, but not too wonky (though it was close). Some discussion of numbers and company topics, a group pic, and a chance to play the first USA jumbo prototype. An oddly bright guitar: the strings were completely fresh, but even allowing for this, the guitar was jangly. But it played well. I'd like to hear the guitar with a thinner top, or darker strings.
Ran out to get lunch, bumped into a couple people from work. One asked about my girlfriend, and I had to politely correct him.
An afternoon spent on the same Monday things as usual. Leaving work a little late, and chatting with the owner for a brief moment. Homeward bound.
Arriving at home around 8pm. Chatted a bit with one of my roommates, and then changing strings (trebles only) on my flamenco guitar, specifically to try out some new strings I got my hands on (Aquila Granato strings). Initial impression is pleasant, but we'll see how they are tomorrow night. Began watching Parks and Rec while I'm doing this.
Typical FB browsing, some diarizing, and to sleep at midnight.
Up quite early this morning, and out the door before 7:30. Planned to sit on the bus, which I did, but just barely--the bus was very late. Still arrived at work around 8:30, even allowing for a stop by the coffee shop across the street, which yielded one of the worst espressos I've ever had. Just yesterday I was thinking about how I can almost always drink coffee, no matter how bad it is. This was beyond the limit. The taste was at least as bad as the smell, and the smell was inexcusable. But the woman that is usually working the counter is always very nice, so it gets a pass.
Into work, with a few small tasks to address. It's the first day of the month, which usually means there's a lot to follow up on, but it's very quiet this morning--perhaps this is in preparation for the meeting at 11:30am. Still, I'd prefer to see a bit more action, as there are some large tasks that are looming, but can't be moved forward until I have more info from some customers. So I have to make up busywork to distract myself, which makes me jittery.
Something else that makes me jittery: receiving e-mails from a specific party that I like receiving e-mails from. It never fails. And it always spurs a bit of self-loathing.
Meeting for everyone at headquarters to go over the 1st quarter. Just a little on the long side, but not too wonky (though it was close). Some discussion of numbers and company topics, a group pic, and a chance to play the first USA jumbo prototype. An oddly bright guitar: the strings were completely fresh, but even allowing for this, the guitar was jangly. But it played well. I'd like to hear the guitar with a thinner top, or darker strings.
Ran out to get lunch, bumped into a couple people from work. One asked about my girlfriend, and I had to politely correct him.
An afternoon spent on the same Monday things as usual. Leaving work a little late, and chatting with the owner for a brief moment. Homeward bound.
Arriving at home around 8pm. Chatted a bit with one of my roommates, and then changing strings (trebles only) on my flamenco guitar, specifically to try out some new strings I got my hands on (Aquila Granato strings). Initial impression is pleasant, but we'll see how they are tomorrow night. Began watching Parks and Rec while I'm doing this.
Typical FB browsing, some diarizing, and to sleep at midnight.
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