2025-07-20 - SiM AAD - Final Notes

on waking this morning, checking my e-mail and messages, i realize that the course is actually complete as of last night.  there's a bit of struggle with this, offset by having to feed the pets and address their needs.  i don't quite let it go until i'm halfway to rehearsal, admitting that the moment has passed for any last-minute work to dig into the material, and deciding i'm okay with this.  i still choose to keep the CaaD for this morning's sitting, at least, and i'll come back to my thoughts about this week afterward.

rehearsal.  the choice to set aside necessary talking.  there is good work, still:  at one point, having switched from a circulating role to one that is mostly listening and following the score to add a bass part, i find myself sitting through five others being unable to stop giggling.  i have a moment where i am actively wishing for this to go well, it's very close, but the constant dissolving into laughter eventually turns me sour, and it's kind of gross to literally feel hope be replaced by serious annoyance and cynicism.

on the way out the door, i mention to curt that necessary talking... i am unimpressed with my work.  but i am satisfied that i got a pretty clear experience of necessary talking, as well as the feeling of taking off the jacket, so to speak, when i let it go.

most of the rest of the day involves a long drive back from this week's rehearsal location, cleaning up of the house i have been watching, and returning home to a kitchen that needs restoration.  dinner is fancy pasta to use up some heirloom cherry tomatoes.  a movie is considered, but i decide to write the report for this week.

so, a report:

• Contact at a Distance each day.  this was successful in general, some days more than others.
• course material:  mostly each day for the guitar work; more on this in a bit.  regrettably nothing for the body counting work, this was a failure due to poor budgeting of time on my part.  but i do have the videos...
• video recording, several simple examples recorded and a couple longer examples.  one that i considered properly usable once it was done, and a couple ideas that need more refining.
• vocalization:  this alone could be a course project.  ear training and aural training are seriously lacking in most of my experiences on courses, and even just a little bit of this work is really valuable.  it's a challenge for me, my voice is scratchier than it was when i was regularly in choirs 20 years ago, and there are questions of range.  but my intonation is still generally spot-on, and the act of vocalizing pitch centers while playing a figure against it is highly illuminating.  in terms of getting ready for the august course, i think there's something here for me.

in terms of guitar material, i spent quite a bit of time with the anchor work, especially.  by the end of the week, i'd begun grafting it on to pre-existing work that will eventually all find its way online.  as mentioned last night:  it's hard to really dig into this material because it's predominantly geometrical.  it's useful when developing independence of fingers, and i am sure i will come back to the more pure expression of the idea, but my aims are increasingly funneled towards development of usable musical vocabulary that are genuinely mine.

necessary talking from breakfast to dinner, as practical:  this was the primary piece of work, and going in, i knew it was going to be difficult.  happily, i can report that i was right, it was very difficult.  choosing to restrict the active time to "breakfast to dinner" was the right choice, but i have to admit that i was really bad about keeping that boundary concrete in terms of an actual length of time.  it was easy to have coffee early on and then not eat anything until noon or later, and it was also easy to not have dinner until 10 pm at night.  if i do this again, it'll be something clearer like 8 am to 8 pm.  the actual practice got a little sloppy by the end of the week, with occasional comments and profanities slipping out under my breath, and a couple instances where i caught myself in the middle of leaving a comment on something online.  objectively, i would call this part of the whole thing a failure, but i got a really clear and constant taste of the act of switching back and forth, like switching in and out of character as an actor.  i've never had to drop in and out like that, and i think that was an unexpected success.

===

falling asleep while writing up reports:  an old standby from boston days of having rehearsals on sunday and writing meeting minutes afterward.  good to know some things never change.

here's hoping the next SiM, i get to be physically present.

2025-07-19 - SiM AAD

 this morning:  waking up the first time with the cat sleeping on me.  back to sleep.

the second time:  waking up to the cat deciding now is the time to eat.  after a few minutes, i can hear the dog at the top of the stairs, making desperate "i am so hungry i will surely die" sounds.  up to use the bathroom, feed the animals, and then back downstairs to sleep some more.

a few text messages and e-mails arriving in, announcing this is the final day of the project, which i am surprised by because i thought this was going at least until tomorrow.  some personal decisions to make about this.

finally up and showering at a quarter of ten.  upstairs to sit, and it become a long and distracted sitting.  when i finally make it to CaaD, i can barely make it, and i end up coming back to the same person twice.  out the door with two guitars and the food items from yesterday, and driving back to my apartment.  dropping one guitar off, making coffee and an egg sandwich at a relaxed pace, and back out the door after about 45 minutes.  a quick phone call ahead to the (professional) repair shop, they are expecting me.

listening to the same disasterpeace soundtrack i have been listening to for years, partly to keep it in my head, partly because i'm trying to decide where to take an arrangement i'm working on.

arriving at the repair shop, and realizing that i have definitely seen this storefront before, years before when i was addressing a recall on my last car at the BMW dealership nearby.  turning off the necessary talking, turning on the conversation, and chatting for a while with the owners/operators of the shop; i notice that they are very young, probably a good 10 years younger than me, but their father founded the shop and they inherited when he passed.  it feels very good to be in the presence of a really pro operation like this, and i make a mental note to keep an eye on their employment opportunities.  they also end up suggesting that i should simply wait until the bridge really gets worse on my guild; all present agree that it looks like it's holding quite well, and since nothing is warping, there is nothing to address for the time being.  these are good people.

back in the car, and deciding to take the long way home.  a text over to the Girl to ask her if she wants me to drop by the festival she's running today, and she responds with some terrible news about a friend of hers that we'd spent an evening with earlier this year.  i'm unable to glean more, but she's in full ops mode so there's not likely to be anything more until much later.

stopping to pick up salad from a grocery store.  a long, quiet drive home.  finally back at DG's.  feeding the animals again at 4:30ish.  a walk up to the coffee shop nearby to pick up a cortado, and while walking back i note that i really didn't say much outside of "a cortado, please" and "thank you".

eating dinner.  reading through voting information.  catching up on diarizing.

reading an e-mail about the upcoming august course, and then to practicing.

mostly focusing on AAD material, specifically the anchor work.  there's a little bit of a breakthrough with the sensing; i'm not sure why this particular thing is so challenging, though i think it might just be the unusual amount of physical activation required to work with this.  it's technically more of a mental challenge, but the fine motor work is tricky enough that it's a distraction.  i can appreciate the value, but related to a conversation from last weekend... it's not very useful.

a bit of work with chords on a piece/arrangement to kick over to tony.  

and eventually the animals have decided to just sit on me, so i think i'm going to have to call it for tonight.

looks like there's a little more time, i think completion actually is tomorrow, so i'll put some time in tomorrow morning before rehearsal.  and a final CaaD at tomorrow's sitting.  and final notes tomorrow once i return home.

but while i'm thinking about it...

the thing i keep thinking about with regards to necessary talking is that it is one of the most socially reinforceable practices we take on.  when engaging with it around a bunch of others that are not, there is a very palpable sense of setting aside that is pretty hard to hold open.  like, in order to function, we have to communicate with others.  and not being on the same page makes it incredibly difficult to maintain.

when i was able to properly stick with it, it was very easy to notice the internal jukebox flaring up loudly.  and there was a palpable sense of energy that came out of it.  it does make me want to work with it more; i think after this project is done and in the rear view mirror, there's some more work to be done.  maybe there's something to look at for camp caravan in august.

anyway.  enough.  to bed.

2025-07-18 - SiM AAD

overslept.  it was going to happen at some point this week.

addressing work concerns and dealing with stuff.  sitting at 10:30 am, a lot of mind drifting.

when there is very little to do, it's very difficult to do very little.

breakfast is quick, just an egg sandwich.  a bit of dismay as i realize the egg was over easy, not over medium.

taking a moment to look at the website set up for the upcoming year AAD project.  doesn't look like much attention is required from me, so i let it go.

most of the day is quiet.  not much to do.  a couple verbal utterances out of my mouth, some internet commenting while i'm distracted.  the rule i've been sticking with most of the week is to not listen to any music and keep any distraction videos closed, and i notice that when i let this go and allow these, it is damn near impossible to not begin to leave comments; most of the time i catch myself and make myself close the page or the app because no one needs my input.

most of the time.

also noticing that it's getting increasingly difficult to make the distinction between "necessary work interactions to not draw attention to my being quiet" and simple gabbing away.

a late shower to prep for heading over to the house-sitting gig.  guitar(s) loaded in the car; one of them (the guild) will be taken to a repair shop tomorrow, and the other (the gibson) will be a practice instrument while i wait to go pick up my other guitar (the martin, my old boston guitar).  the thought that i might want to postpone picking up the martin crosses my mind, but i wave it away.

driving over to DG's, pulling my bag and guitars out of the car, and walking up.  the dog is going nuts because she sees me now and knows that dinner is about to happen.  and... the key is missing from its usual place.  a quick text to DG, and then a call, and she realizes that the key is on her keychain, somewhere in eastern washington.  no big deal, i know curt has a spare, so i tell her not to worry.  curt on the phone ("okay, necessary talking time"), and luckily he's at home beginning to cook dinner.  loading back up into the car.

it is rush hour, and i instantly make a mistake of taking a turn that will put me in backed up traffic, with no way out.  so a 10 minute drive is 25 minutes.  picking up the key from curt, a little gabbing, but i'm waving it away on account of being semi-human--he's not the one taking the necessary talking thing on--and we also have a couple things to address for rehearsal on sunday.  back in the car, driving back to DG's, and i've managed to choose the stiffer traffic back.  another 30 minutes back.  out of the car, hopping back up the steps to the front door, and the key goes into the slot, and... nothing.  it doesn't budge.  at this point, i notice the initials on the key label:  "SP".

"hey curt, so the initials on the key..."

"yeah...?"

"they're SP."

".... oh FUCK."  we both laugh about it, but i bolt back down to the car, take a slightly faster way, and it only takes me 15 minutes.  curt runs the key out, we trade, and i head back.  it's still 25 minutes back, friday rush hour is in full effect.  finally back into the house, and feed the poor animals almost two hours after i left my place (and thus a full two hours late for them).

both the cat and dog want head skritches after eating, and i have a little bit of time, so time is killed on the couch.  i realize i could be practicing, but it's not enough time to actually get any steam built up, so i just relax for about twenty minutes.  back out the door to pick up a burrito so that i can have dinner and self-release from the talking rule.  i have a moment, after arriving early but parked a couple houses away, where i can cram the food into my mouth, and i watch a wasp buzz about the windshield for a few minutes.  i have the sense it sees me and wants inside to antagonize me.  windshield wipers eventually have their say.

inside to pick up the martin; the repairperson is a local lapsed crafty.  he complains about the job and how i'm the last person he'll do this for (the binding on the top had come loose).  i have the sense that he's both telling the truth and embellishing a bit, and feel a bit of pressure to pay more than what i'd intended.  afterward, we talk about gear for a bit and i find my mouth running more than i want, and am annoyed with myself.  i also find it odd that i'm trying to have such a genial conversation when i don't actually want to.

we bid goodbye, and back in the car again.  stopping by my apartment to pick up the laundry i need to do while housesitting, and a couple food items; i also take the time to put some things away before heading back to DG's.  back inside yet again, immediately beginning a load of laundry.  a bit more vegging out before finally pulling a guitar out to begin practicing, and i realize that i have no strap.  or normal picks.  so it ends up being 90 minutes of work with AAD material in a slightly compromised position, and some video recording.

the anchor and sensing exercise is a bit of a mystery to me.  i have the sense that when i've been working on it this week, i've been doing it wrong, largely because sensing my left hand is strangely impossible.  it's also fully geometric, and is the kind of material i have been increasingly avoiding for several years now because when i practice this stuff, i can only play like this.  but there is no denying that it has a use, and there's a legato-ness that begins to show up that, when i map the general concept onto some 3rd primary two-string ideas, is suddenly very musical.

very happy to have a reason to play this guitar again, i always forget how unexpectedly good it sounds, especially with the right pick.

more work with the 3rd primary variations, and singing key centers/target pitches.  it is hard work, mostly because singing without warming up is tough to keep steady, and a lot of this work pulls me outside my comfort range very quickly.  it's not particularly surprising why we tend to avoid this kind of work in the circle, since some people are very bad at singing because someone told them that they were*, and they just stopped even trying.

a few videos recorded, one posted to instagram.  it's finally time to go to sleep.

* i can't even begin to mention how angry this makes me.

2025-07-17 - SiM AAD

hard to wake up this morning.  and a general malaise.  the discussion with my therapist re: performance anxiety continues to roll around in my head, with all its implications (i guess).

up early, like always, but not out of bed immediately.  clocking in, addressing immediate needs for work.  feeling the sting of a self-imposed aim of necessary talking, and what it feels like to just... not do it.

quick recap from last night:  hot as shit in the apartment, and then heading over to wednesday night rehearsal.  i don't have time to get food, and thus get dinner, but i've already made the choice that i'm going to attempt to stick with necessary talking during rehearsal.  arriving at rehearsal, and just making clear that i'm engaging with it... and within 15 minutes it becomes clear that i just need to let it go.  between this and fighting a guitar that gets progressively more difficult to play, i spend most of the rehearsal feeling like a failure.  the power cuts out midway through, in a very large portion of Seattle, so we switch to candlelight, which is a nice ambience.  after rehearsal's done, back down to the car, and instead of taking the faster way home, i am hungry and also don't want to deal with traffic lights being out, so i head up and over to take a less direct way, which means driving down aurora.  sex workers are out, and i am kind of amazed at how many appear to be wearing nothing more than string.

finally back in my neighborhood.  i get a call back from my girlfriend; two things about the conversation end up making me even more glum than i was before, and then it is on pause.  i try and find a place to get a bite, but most of the area is closed and so i just go home.  in my head, some comedy bit about being so hungry you sleep for dinner plays.  this is a different situation, but not unrelated.  my phone rings again, and i am on the phone for a little over an hour, long enough to mean that any more guitar activity isn't going to happen.  futzing around until 1:30 am, and then to bed.

sitting at 8:40.  my eyes are a little irritated, i need to wash my face.  CaaD exercise feels a little more real than yesterday, and i notice an attachment making itself known.  very much wishing i was on site.  work meeting at 9:15, i still have not had breakfast.  afterward, i get a text message from a circle member asking if i have a moment; he knows about the necessary talking commitment and so i say "yes, i haven't eaten breakfast yet".  we talk for about 5 minutes, and i wonder why i continue to talk so much.

breakfast of coffee and a banana, while I wait for some muesli to absorb milk.  catching up on diarizing and avoiding work.  of course.

work ends up being a lot of busy work.  a couple more meetings, but mostly pretty quiet, quite literally.  some distracting myself at moments to let my brain decompress, and generally being able to not talk.  there is still chatter, and i can do nothing about that.

some reflecting throughout the day on a meeting from yesterday that was frankly depressing, and indicative of just how much of a dead end i've hit.  i need to get out of this, somehow.

a late-afternoon shower, and a brief trip to the grocery store.  it's not quite so hot but it's still very warm.  back at home, some dishwashing, and a quick dinner.  i feel a little pleased with myself about the idea from a few weeks ago to make kimchi using standard giardiniera vegetables.  more distracting myself because i don't want to practice on an ovation, and the phone rings; it's annie, briefly.  i make a note to make sure i have enough time this weekend to see her at cap hill.

finally in the practicing chair late.  ditching the ovation for the SG; it just doesn't feel right to suffer needlessly.  warming up, and then working with a couple of andres' exercises, noting that these are the kinds of things i would have gone nuts over ten years ago.  now i am working with them, mostly because they're course material, but also because i admit that a couple concepts would be interesting and useful to work with in a tonal context.  anchor work is always a challenge.

switching gears to tonal work.  the 3rd primary variations eventually come out, and i begin to work these while singing the pitches.  my voice is scratchy but that's fine, i'm in tune as long as i'm not breaking between head voice and chest voice.  on a whim, i begin including solfege symbols, and *this* is clearly what i can work with the next few days.  this is hard work because of all the vocal jumps, and being so out of practice means that i spend a lot of time yawning.

a brief excursion into chromatic solfege, and shifting accidentals/syllables while slurring (i.e., "mi" becomes "me" when minor, and sustaining a note while slipping from major to minor while also changing the vowel sound, like miiiiiiii-eeeeeeeeh).  i can do more of that while i'm house-sitting this weekend.

catching up on diary work until 12:45.  always strange to hear your ears shutting off because your body keeps microsleeping.

2025-07-16 - SiM AAD

quick recap from end of night last night:  hot enough in the apartment that i was genuinely exhausted.  a little dismayed by a text exchange.  practicing at end of the night was almost impossible; i got probably 35ish minutes in, maybe more, and passed out wearing a guitar.  finally made it to bed around 1 am or so.

today's going to be tough.  i woke up early enough but it is a low-energy day and so nothing has properly begun yet (8:04 am).  asked someone if i'd be able to pick up a guitar from a repair, and suspect i am going to have to drop my primary guitar off in bellevue tomorrow.

sitting at roughly 8:50.  noticing my hands are not happy.  1-1 with supervisor at work, i felt a little bad pointing out "these guys working for you have some issues to be addressed", but it was necessary.  interesting point to note:  an aphorism from the course in spain flew in from martin s. while we were still talking, "any act that is knowingly non-consensual offers violence."  for me, the second one in the message, "honesty is a quality.  our honestly invites honesty in others." is possibly a better encapsulation.

another longish call that fights to keep me talking.  i'm noticing a few more utterances than yesterday outside of the planned-for speaking.  some digging around to figure out a couple mysteries.  it's hot.

break for lunch.  breath of the wild.

back to work, but it's largely just checking on things, nothing particularly challenging.  tomorrow's going to be the harder/longer day.

practicing on an ovation, which i have to admit doesn't play badly below the 12th fret.  but it sounds awful.

working with a sort of made-up exercise:  ascending by major thirds from C to E to G#, while singing the tonic, then the leading tone which is the dominant of the next key, while playing the dominant of that next key.  right now it's just just the two-note primaries across the neck, but it works out to Cmaj/B7/Emaj/D#7/G#/G7.  trying to hear the target pitch is really tricky, maybe a bit more than i expected when i decided this was on the list for this week's work.

2025-07-15 - SiM AAD

up early again.  sitting at 7:22.

before moving on, i am realizing that i have not made my aims on this project clear.  there are several; the important one is first:

- necessary talking, when practical, between breakfast and dinner.

- contact at a distance with the team

- ear training while working calisthenics

"breakfast to dinner" is ostensibly an easy metric, but it's a little funny if you're not eating or coffee-ing at the same time.  so i'm aware of a little switch that hasn't flipped as of now (9:09 am), but it's balanced right on the edge.

two work meetings.  can't decide if it's interesting or depressing watching Brad The Performer pop out.

shortly after noon:  "oh no shit" flies out of my mouth as i realize i've been very close to a guitar repair shop i need to head to in bellevue.

another conversation, i get fairly animated.

noticing since yesterday that when i am choosing to not listen to music or talk, my inner jukebox gets really loud.

during lunch break:  blending canned tomatoes and passing through a sieve.  i notice an urge to hear music, i let it pass.  thinking about buying a better sieve.

a lot of phone calls today.  "necessary talking only" is really annoying when you're keeping your mouth shut about it.

a nap after work.  espresso.  sitting down early for therapy at 7 pm, time to think more about what to say.  "how can i do therapy better?", in so many words, which is irritating to me, intellectually.  it's warm and bright enough that i briefly think about my first time stepping into this apartment; it was even warmer then.  it's quiet outside, or as quiet as it can be at 6:58 pm on a tuesday.

therapy.  talking about things like the decision exercise, performance anxiety (not sexual but what isn't?), discipline, explaining the concept of being on a course AAD.  anxiety about not being able to perform discipline (this formulation emerging just now).  having clear goals; she understandably doesn't want to have therapy that just goes on and on forever with no resolution, there should be a clear and attainable goal.  i appreciate this, and after the fact i am noting the difference in approach here with the modern social construct of therapy as performative self-discovery to be more socially palatable to others.

using blended tomatoes to make pizza.  both small pizzas that i make are baked too long, and/or should be broiled instead of baked at 500.  but the quality is decidedly better than what i have done in the past, and will be better when i'm making my own dough.

2025-07-14 - SiM AAD

will update in real time.

awake at 7am.  sitting with CaaD.

i've been noticing the grind from "necessary talking only" since yesterday, even though it's only beginning today.  and the proviso is "when practical", so it's only internal.  still.

quiet until 9:30, then a flurry of discussion.  strange how much it takes out of me.

feels twitchy.  work is providing some extra sticking points; it is very difficult to just be quiet or to just focus.  also trying to decide if i'm going to count looking at my phone as "unnecessary".  maybe the rule will be to only count it if i'm not doing something directly related to communicating a thing or completing a task.

visit with a new dentist.  it feels strange to make the choice to "allow" myself to speak, to give myself permission to just interact as needed.  some anxiety rising up while discussing some necessary and expensive (monetarily and physically) procedures.  a little guilt as i pull my phone out after leaving the office to shoot a quick message to work.  the trip in both directions is interrupted on the ballard bridge by a boat passing.

realized after leaving a comment on FB just what i had done.  so it goes.

a late and irritating work day.  kitchen cleaning, and to the store for a few things.  trying not to mill about, just practical choice-making.  back home to eat, and finally allowing myself to relax for a while. 

practicing begins around 10:30.  pulling my main guitar from the case, and shortly putting it back after slacking the strings; it needs help and i can’t get it to the shop until saturday.  a little time with an ovation, and it is so uncomfortable and bad-sounding i put it back.  calisthenics with the taylor, which is in a different tuning and that is fine.  eventually switching to the les paul so i can get some NST work in.  off to bed at 1am.